My Poop on New Motherhood

My misguided views of being a new mother

I just sneezed and wet my pants April 29, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — nothingbutthepoop @ 7:30 am

Damn childbirth, damn weak bladder muscles.  How old am I again?  Do I need to be potty trained?  Because that would be a bitch to have to potty train myself and my toddler…at the same time.  And I don’t think my big ass is going to fit on the little training potties.  Time to start the Kegels again.

 

hi, my name is karin and i am a procrastinator April 23, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — nothingbutthepoop @ 1:08 pm

So, to anyone who has ever visited my blog and has paid attention to dates will realize that I went for MONTHS not posting any entries.  Here’s my problem…I am a compulsive procrastinator.  I did well in school and during my “professional career” but when it comes to those projects and tasks that are of low importance, I just tend to let them go.  But I have a renewed cynicism that i crave to share with everyone.  So here’s my compromise.  I will strive to post one entry a week. 

 

I will start next week raving about the impossibility of loosing the dreaded “baby weight.”  And here is a list of topics that may come up in the future:

When rubber neckers cause traffic to slow to a snails pace that in turn causes my blood pressure to rise, is it ok to scream in the car when a child is strapped in the back?

Am I considered a bad parent if I momentarily loose my child in Ikea while being distracted by a really cool piece of furniture?

Speaking of Ikea, is it a reflection of my poor parenting that one of my child’s first words is Ikea and she gets excited everytime we pass a Target?

Is anyone else addicted to spider solitaire?

 

New Mothers Make the Worst Drivers April 10, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — nothingbutthepoop @ 12:31 pm

I used to be a good driver, that is until I became pregnant.  My first mishap happened in the parking garage at the OB’s office.  I decided to redecorate the passengar side door by using the cement pillar.  My husband was notamused.  I’ve run far more red lights than I would like to admit (recently being pulled over by a motorcycle cop a block and a half away from my house, having a bad day I was already crying hysterically, and thank goodness the Officer had pity and let me off with a warning).  I also just received a speeding ticket in the mail from one of those “van on the side of the road” radar thingies.  it’s a clear picture of me paying enough attention to not ram into a tree but not enough to the obey speed limit.  But I have to be honest, I’m just thankful a cop wasn’t around during the first six months of my child’s life.

 

Raise your hand if you’ve experienced infantcryingvehicularmadness?  Easily described as infant child wailing at the top of their lungs when there’s at least 20 minutes of driving left.  Parental management tactics include: turning volume up all the way, moving radio station ot static in an effort to calm child (white noise anyone?), repeating favorite stress releasing mantra (thou shall not loose thy mind, thou shall not loose thy mind), and finally pushing the envelope of speeding and running every red light until you are home. 

 

If only insurance companies knew…our rates would skyrocket for the first year.

 

What other vehicular atrocities have you performed because of the little bundle of joy sitting in the back seat is driving you INSANE?

 

Next to come; If my child is 2 can I still claim the “stomach spare tire” and the “ready for winter saddlebags” at baby fat?