My Poop on New Motherhood

My misguided views of being a new mother

Fashion Horse February 5, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — nothingbutthepoop @ 12:41 pm

We just finished up at the gym and pulled out of the parking lot to go home. To the right of us at the light is a bridal store. Maria says to me, “Mama, when I get bigger I’m going to wear a long dress. Mama when I get bigger I’m going to wear a wedding dress. That dress right there.” I am so screwed.

I can’t keep her away from my high heeled shoes. She prefers my light pink, pointed toe heels. If those aren’t available she goes for my favorite navy blue heels. We were in Payless Shoe Store one day. While I was trying on shoes she took a particular shine to a pair of floral 3 inchers. An older gentleman and his wife came around the corner and remarked, “So that’s how you do it, you start off young.” “That’s right,” I said. I’m so screwed.

I went to Target last week. We have to call it the “The Big Red Bullseye” because Target is her favorite store. Everything to her comes from Target. But last week I bought her new clothes – 2 pant sets, 1 skirt set and 1 dress. She immediately went for the skirt. A day later she wore the dress. She hasn’t touched the pants. I’m so screwed.

I hope her boyfriends have money and understanding. Otherwise, they’re so screwed.

 

F-in Stairs January 31, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — nothingbutthepoop @ 7:37 am

The other day I spent most of my time running up and down the stairs. You know how it goes, you need to brush toddlers hair and the brush is upstairs. You’re upstairs and you need to brush toddlers hair after bath and you left the brush downstairs. You go downstairs for a glass of water, see toddlers lovey and bring it upstairs, only to realize you forgot your glass of water. So anyhow, I’m walking downstairs and half way down I realize I forgot my shoes. So I muttered “F-in shoes.” Maria, who was just right behind me asked, “what’s f-in shoes?” I’m so screwed if I don’t stop cussing in front of my child.

 

Things I Never Thought Would Come Out of My Mouth January 19, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — nothingbutthepoop @ 12:40 am

“Sweetie, the feather duster does not belong in your whoo haa.”

“Can you PLEASE just let mama wipe her own butt.”

“Please get your hand out of your diaper. AND DON’T STICK YOUR FINGERS UP YOUR NOSE!”

“A 2 year old has just kick my butt”

 

I just sneezed and wet my pants April 29, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — nothingbutthepoop @ 7:30 am

Damn childbirth, damn weak bladder muscles.  How old am I again?  Do I need to be potty trained?  Because that would be a bitch to have to potty train myself and my toddler…at the same time.  And I don’t think my big ass is going to fit on the little training potties.  Time to start the Kegels again.

 

hi, my name is karin and i am a procrastinator April 23, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — nothingbutthepoop @ 1:08 pm

So, to anyone who has ever visited my blog and has paid attention to dates will realize that I went for MONTHS not posting any entries.  Here’s my problem…I am a compulsive procrastinator.  I did well in school and during my “professional career” but when it comes to those projects and tasks that are of low importance, I just tend to let them go.  But I have a renewed cynicism that i crave to share with everyone.  So here’s my compromise.  I will strive to post one entry a week. 

 

I will start next week raving about the impossibility of loosing the dreaded “baby weight.”  And here is a list of topics that may come up in the future:

When rubber neckers cause traffic to slow to a snails pace that in turn causes my blood pressure to rise, is it ok to scream in the car when a child is strapped in the back?

Am I considered a bad parent if I momentarily loose my child in Ikea while being distracted by a really cool piece of furniture?

Speaking of Ikea, is it a reflection of my poor parenting that one of my child’s first words is Ikea and she gets excited everytime we pass a Target?

Is anyone else addicted to spider solitaire?

 

New Mothers Make the Worst Drivers April 10, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — nothingbutthepoop @ 12:31 pm

I used to be a good driver, that is until I became pregnant.  My first mishap happened in the parking garage at the OB’s office.  I decided to redecorate the passengar side door by using the cement pillar.  My husband was notamused.  I’ve run far more red lights than I would like to admit (recently being pulled over by a motorcycle cop a block and a half away from my house, having a bad day I was already crying hysterically, and thank goodness the Officer had pity and let me off with a warning).  I also just received a speeding ticket in the mail from one of those “van on the side of the road” radar thingies.  it’s a clear picture of me paying enough attention to not ram into a tree but not enough to the obey speed limit.  But I have to be honest, I’m just thankful a cop wasn’t around during the first six months of my child’s life.

 

Raise your hand if you’ve experienced infantcryingvehicularmadness?  Easily described as infant child wailing at the top of their lungs when there’s at least 20 minutes of driving left.  Parental management tactics include: turning volume up all the way, moving radio station ot static in an effort to calm child (white noise anyone?), repeating favorite stress releasing mantra (thou shall not loose thy mind, thou shall not loose thy mind), and finally pushing the envelope of speeding and running every red light until you are home. 

 

If only insurance companies knew…our rates would skyrocket for the first year.

 

What other vehicular atrocities have you performed because of the little bundle of joy sitting in the back seat is driving you INSANE?

 

Next to come; If my child is 2 can I still claim the “stomach spare tire” and the “ready for winter saddlebags” at baby fat?

 

My Child’s First Words Are Going to Be Godammit… September 19, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — nothingbutthepoop @ 11:33 am

My child’s first words are going to be “Godammit” followed by “for fuck sakes.”  I don’t mean to swear.  It’s a bad habit that I can’t seem to break.  Like this morning.  I was trying to vacuum and the way the cord was wound it kept popping out of the socket – like 3 times.  And each time I responded with a “godammit.”  Wouldn’t you know it, my daughter (bless her little heart wanted to help mommy vacuum) was standing right there.  Then while making lunch my blessed little being decided to shake the child gate wildly while perfecting the perfect little whine.  And of course under my breath I uttered, “for fuck sakes.”  I curious, what’s your child’s first word going to be?  And I’m not talking nana, mama, dada, ball, hi, bye, binky.

 

 
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